Oh what's that? You have snow? That blows.

It was in the mid 80s here today. For real. You can all laugh at me when summer comes and it's 120 but for right now...eat one.

SIDA

My overall lack of maturity being a well known fact, it should come as no surprise that the noble aims of a recent technical language training session on the topic of SIDA (AIDS in English) was all but wasted on my childish self. It began seriously enough, with discussion how to explain the importance of sterilizing razors and not using intravenous drugs or whatever, but things took a dark turn when we shifted to sex, semen and vaginas. Actually, just typing that made me laugh.

Admittedly, in a setting where everyone in the room is a native English speaker with full command of the languages subtleties, the topic can be adequately sterile and serious. The second my language instructor said the phrase “woman semen juice” instead of “vaginal secretions,” however, I knew it was over. Any chance at a constructive learning session had immediately dissipated and the mood shifted to seeing what sort of vile phrases we could learn in Arabic.

Since Moroccan society is, generally speaking, much more conservative as far as sex and the like are concerned, every one of us westerners in attendance had the additional pleasure of watching the host-country instructors blush at every phrase they were being forced to say. For many of the necessary terms, we even had to delve into standard Arabic as non-vulgar versions simply didn’t exist in darija. Speaking of which, did you know that in Morocco there is a linguistic distinction between the boobs of an unmarried woman (nhood) and those of a respected adult on whom “time has had effects” (bzazl)? Just pure gold. The best part for me was watching the cleaning ladies in the hotel being punched in face by the phrases we were being asked to repeat for pronunciation's sake after they'd unassumingly stepped into the room. Just imagine graphically describing unsafe sex to your grandma in nothing but slang. Classic.

Despite lengthy hours of this stuff, all we really accomplished was convincing the the entire staff of the Auberge that we were all serial pervs. They may never have taught us how to say "don't be a fool, wrap your tool," but creeping out a mass of conservative Muslim women seems like a fair consolation prize.

Carolina- Duke

Tonight, Carolina will face off against a pack of open-mouthed, white upper-class satanic offspring commonly know as the Duke University basketball team. The Tar Heels are 13-10, their opponents 19-4. The young Carolina players seem like they’ve just met and suddenly realized they have nothing in common, while the other ones move about the court as if they attended the same “A Separate Peace” style boarding school. At this point in the season, Carolina is statistically inferior to these bourgeoisie buffoons in pretty much every significant offensive and defensive category. The Heels have essentially given up on the season, while Duke is merely setting the pieces for a March offensive.

In short, this looks bleak. Never one to let mere statistics, precedent and general trends affect my emotions, I am confident in Carolina’s ability to remind those Durham douchebags why we play the game. Even a 2-30 season is defensible if those two victories come against Duke. If this sounds absurd to you, it’s probably a good idea not to read the next few sentences. Recently, I have decided that Carolina does not play basketball to win, but to cause Duke harm. Sorry Herm Edwards, you just don’t understand true rivalry. Sure, maybe at one point the Heels danced for the glory or even to piss off the stray dogpack in Raleigh, but times have changed. The truest modern goal is now to bring as much misery as possible to the reactionary cockmunchers who reside in the gated regions of Durham, North Carolina.

Channeling my 3 credit hours of philosophy, I want to say this is an example of utilitarianism. Carolina winning is of substantial moral value because it maximizes total happiness. All the bliss that normally accompanies victory is not cancelled out by the sorrows of defeat because Duke fans and players, by definition, are soulless scumbags whose misery actually creates additional glee. Simply by losing spectacularly, Duke could create a better world. Being in possession of this knowledge, those spoiled trust fund brats are deliberately withholding massive amounts of moral good from society. In a world where there is simply too little good, this is completely unacceptable.

With this in mind, I make one simple plea to the University of North Carolina Men’s Basketball team. Read the name on the front of your jersey and remember your role in this world.

PeaceWorks

Peace Corps has a submission-based quarterly publication which features articles, pictures and assorted time-killers from its volunteers. Below is my submission, one that should be prefaced with the context that our region (Azilal Province) takes considerable pride in the amount of times it has watched this video. It plays at least 4 times per party and it really gets us through some tough times. Shakira is the stimulus to our package. I seriously doubt it will be accepted but, nevertheless, read away.

If you have not seen the video for Shakira’s smash hit “She Wolf,” you are simply not a complete human being. Prior to encountering the sheer elegance of this masterpiece, I believed the essentials of life were just food, shelter and hardcore porn. In short, I was a fool. Thankfully, fellow PCVs who cared for me arranged three consecutive viewings of this radiant beauty so as to secure a safe eternal resting place for my soul. Now, I understand that more important than either food or shelter is this tale of a neglected, yet fiery girlfriend ready to pounce on other man prey. At least that’s what I think it’s about; it’s hard to tell since it switches from first to third person between verses.

The brilliance contained within these nearly four minutes of bliss, however, is simply undeniable. The text alone is worthy of a Pulitzer, or at least a Nobel Prize since it seems anyone can get one them these days. Anybody studying for the GRE would surely help their chances of doing well with an in depth analysis of this poetic ballad. With words like “lycanthropy” (the supernatural act of morphing into a wolf) and finely crafted similes like “I’m starting to feel abused like a coffee machine in an office,” it is impossible to find even a single flaw in the graceful flow of the narrative. Much like her predecessors Billy Shakespeare and James Joyce, Shakira coins new, crystal phrases like “I’ve been devoting myself to you Monday to Monday and Friday to Friday.” When faced with such overwhelming waves of splendor, the viewer can certainly be excused for being at a loss for words. It might be too good.

The service this video provides for humanity is priceless, its contributions so immeasurable that it is ridiculous to even ask, “What could we as a people do to repay its makers”? Simply put, we are not worthy of this mini-cinematic masterpiece. It was handed to us despite our inadequacy, and the least we could do is thoroughly enjoy its aesthetic charms. I mean, that scene where Shakira is dressed in a skin colored leotard, slowly raising just her ass while lying on the floor of a cage; totally fuckin sweet.