SIDA

My overall lack of maturity being a well known fact, it should come as no surprise that the noble aims of a recent technical language training session on the topic of SIDA (AIDS in English) was all but wasted on my childish self. It began seriously enough, with discussion how to explain the importance of sterilizing razors and not using intravenous drugs or whatever, but things took a dark turn when we shifted to sex, semen and vaginas. Actually, just typing that made me laugh.

Admittedly, in a setting where everyone in the room is a native English speaker with full command of the languages subtleties, the topic can be adequately sterile and serious. The second my language instructor said the phrase “woman semen juice” instead of “vaginal secretions,” however, I knew it was over. Any chance at a constructive learning session had immediately dissipated and the mood shifted to seeing what sort of vile phrases we could learn in Arabic.

Since Moroccan society is, generally speaking, much more conservative as far as sex and the like are concerned, every one of us westerners in attendance had the additional pleasure of watching the host-country instructors blush at every phrase they were being forced to say. For many of the necessary terms, we even had to delve into standard Arabic as non-vulgar versions simply didn’t exist in darija. Speaking of which, did you know that in Morocco there is a linguistic distinction between the boobs of an unmarried woman (nhood) and those of a respected adult on whom “time has had effects” (bzazl)? Just pure gold. The best part for me was watching the cleaning ladies in the hotel being punched in face by the phrases we were being asked to repeat for pronunciation's sake after they'd unassumingly stepped into the room. Just imagine graphically describing unsafe sex to your grandma in nothing but slang. Classic.

Despite lengthy hours of this stuff, all we really accomplished was convincing the the entire staff of the Auberge that we were all serial pervs. They may never have taught us how to say "don't be a fool, wrap your tool," but creeping out a mass of conservative Muslim women seems like a fair consolation prize.