Carolina- Duke

Tonight, Carolina will face off against a pack of open-mouthed, white upper-class satanic offspring commonly know as the Duke University basketball team. The Tar Heels are 13-10, their opponents 19-4. The young Carolina players seem like they’ve just met and suddenly realized they have nothing in common, while the other ones move about the court as if they attended the same “A Separate Peace” style boarding school. At this point in the season, Carolina is statistically inferior to these bourgeoisie buffoons in pretty much every significant offensive and defensive category. The Heels have essentially given up on the season, while Duke is merely setting the pieces for a March offensive.

In short, this looks bleak. Never one to let mere statistics, precedent and general trends affect my emotions, I am confident in Carolina’s ability to remind those Durham douchebags why we play the game. Even a 2-30 season is defensible if those two victories come against Duke. If this sounds absurd to you, it’s probably a good idea not to read the next few sentences. Recently, I have decided that Carolina does not play basketball to win, but to cause Duke harm. Sorry Herm Edwards, you just don’t understand true rivalry. Sure, maybe at one point the Heels danced for the glory or even to piss off the stray dogpack in Raleigh, but times have changed. The truest modern goal is now to bring as much misery as possible to the reactionary cockmunchers who reside in the gated regions of Durham, North Carolina.

Channeling my 3 credit hours of philosophy, I want to say this is an example of utilitarianism. Carolina winning is of substantial moral value because it maximizes total happiness. All the bliss that normally accompanies victory is not cancelled out by the sorrows of defeat because Duke fans and players, by definition, are soulless scumbags whose misery actually creates additional glee. Simply by losing spectacularly, Duke could create a better world. Being in possession of this knowledge, those spoiled trust fund brats are deliberately withholding massive amounts of moral good from society. In a world where there is simply too little good, this is completely unacceptable.

With this in mind, I make one simple plea to the University of North Carolina Men’s Basketball team. Read the name on the front of your jersey and remember your role in this world.